Shell's Sentiments

How many people are feeling a little Guilt right now? 

I will admit I have a little bit of survivors guilt going on. 

Guilt an emotion that many will not acknowledge knowing. Right now I am overwhelmed with Guilt. 

Guilt for being mad or annoyed that my children are getting on my ever-loving nerves. When there are people who are desperately seeking to have children. 

Guilt for wanting some quiet time. Time alone for me to process everything that I am feeling. When there are people who have literally no one else around to help fill the void of these “safer at home” days. 

Guilt for having a child in my face nearly every second of the day. When all I want or need is some downtime. A little time where I can do things that bring me joy. When there are people who would love to have just one more interaction with a lost child. 

Guilt for having to cook yet another meal. Did I not just feed you 30 minutes ago? When there are people who have no clue when and where their next meal is coming from.

Guilt for yelling at my children for not cleaning up after themselves. When there are people who wish they had someone to take care of. Even for just one day. 

Guilt for complaining/whining that I want to leave my house. When hundreds of people just lost their houses. Not to mention everything inside. 

Guilt can be a nasty thing. But just because one feels this emotion doesn’t make us a bad person. 

We all process feelings and emotions in different manners. Harboring emotions and the effect they have on the body and mind fascinates me. The study of emotions is totally cool and frightening at the same time. 

The most important thing I have learned, is we have to deal with our feelings/emotions. We can’t continue to live our life stuffing all our feelings down so deep that we can’t feel. The feelings aren’t going to go away. The feelings may subside for some time, but trust they will come back. Usually stronger than before. 

As a matter of fact, if we ignore an emotion too long our body develops symptoms. The symptoms we endure are meant to help signal us to deal with the emotion.  

In order for us to move forward, we must first acknowledge the emotion and call it what it is. This is not an easy step, but the most freeing. 

To put it simply I am tired. 

We have been home for 28 days. 28 days where we have little to none interaction with the outside world. 

I am emotional and mentally tired. I am not just processing my own stress and anxiety. But helping my three children to work through their own emotions. As well, continue to build my business, homeschool my kids, and still manage this house. All while trying to keep life as normal as possible. The work has taken its toll on me. I am tired. 

I can’t be the only person who is struggling. But maybe I need to be the first to admit it. 

It has been 8 months since I have suffered from an anxiety attack. I really thought I was past them. 

That was until that faint pain was felt in my chest. Next, my heartbeat began speeding up. Followed by not being able to breathe deeply, almost gasping for air. Ending with a huge emotional cry for what felt like no reason. The whole time fighting the attack and not acknowledging what was happening. 

If I admitted I was having another anxiety attack that meant I wasn’t in control. The anxiety attack meant that I wasn’t placing my faith in something bigger than me. Admitting that I had another anxiety attack meant I was weak. It symbolized a failure in my mind. There were moments I was able to reel in my emotions. Only for them to reappear with more vengeance. 

I made plans for the weekend included dying Easter eggs, possibly an egg hunt. I wanted to play outside all day on Saturday. I knew Sunday would be full of rain and storms. We need as much vitamin D as we can get right now. 

Instead, my weekend looked very different. I struggled emotionally and mentally for the whole weekend.

Every time I heard my children or husband call my name, I cringed. Whenever someone looked my way, I cringed more. I knew what was coming, someone wanted something from me. As I mentioned above I am tired. I am drained. I just want to be left alone. But not really. Do you understand what I mean? 

I am not physically tired but rather emotional and mentally tired. I need some time away to recharge. Many people think that sounds horrible. If you are that person I am sorry. But that is the truth and I am not ashamed to admit it. I am at my breaking point. 

Please, do not get me wrong. I love my people dearly. They are a huge part of my world. But loving other people takes its toll on me. 

I keep my emotions intact. I do not trust easily. I question everything. I take nothing at face value. I keep everyone at a safe distance. I do not show my emotions for fear that you will use them against me. I do not feel many emotions because that would mean I need to connect. And sometimes life is too much and/or too hard. I totally need my own time to process and deal with emotions. 

Back to Easter weekend…

So this Easter looked very different for us. There was no Easter egg hunt. No dying Easter eggs. No dressing up and going to church. 

Instead, we spent Saturday sitting out in the sun, soaking up some Vitamin D. Allowing our bare feet to touch the ground. Reading yet again another book. Playing yet another game of UNO. All while trying to keep everyone in their own corner of the yard. 

I am tired. I need a break. I need someone else to take the reins for a while. But since there is no one else. Let me buckle up my boots, put a smile on my face and get back at it.