Pass The Damn Kleenex's

When was the last time you had a really good cry?

I am talking about that ugly cry that you save for when you are by yourself. Ya know the one where you are crying uncontrollably. Crying so hard you can’t catch your breath. The tears are falling so fast they could fill up a swimming pool. And let’s not forget to mention the snot running out your nose. It seems like there is a race between your snot and your tears. That’s the kinda cry that is reserved for only the most hurtful occasions.  

When was the last time? Or are you one of those lucky people who cry at the drop of a hat. 

Like when you watch a sad movie. When you are at a wedding, graduation, or any other celebration. When you hold a newborn baby. Are you that kinda crier? If so, you are the lucky crier I am talking about. 

I am not a “lucky” crier. More so the person, who won’t let you even see the tears forming in my eyes. The person who you wonder if they even have a heart or ever show any kind of emotion.  

I have a small group of girlfriends that are “lucky”. Like literally cry over everything remotely sentimental. Drives me bonkers, as much as I am sure it drives them crazy that I am not crying. For the life of me, I didn’t understand it.

Either way, the crying has become a joke between us.  Hey, don’t forget your Kleenex’s. If we are out together and I know it is getting “deep” I look over at them to make sure they are OK. And yes, usually the tears are flowing freely. But they still look as beautiful as ever. Not ashamed of those tears, but wearing them proudly. 

Now understand me, they aren’t being prideful jumping up and down, hollering look at me I am crying. Instead, they are quietly sitting in their chairs allowing the tears to fall as they may. None the wiser to what is going on around them or who is looking at them. 

Wow, what a prime example of a woman who knows her worth. They are strong women. Not afraid to let the world know she is human and has feelings. Not afraid to show her vulnerabilities. Not afraid to lean on the people she loves and that love her.

I wanna be that strong. The problem with that is I would have to let people in. Let people get close. Let them know my thoughts and feelings. Allow people to see my weaknesses. Umm, gross. To me, that concept is just asking for heartache. Here is what I see. If I give you the power to use my own insecurities against me, you will hurt me. Nope, not gonna happen. That doesn’t sound like fun at all. 

I am not sure why or how but something over the last few months is changing inside me. The one thing I am sure of is, that this change happened at home. (ha, get it “stay at home” quarantine) 

After many long days of being safer at home, I had my breakdown. I had that ugly cry. Mostly likely because there was nowhere to run. Instead, I had to feel those emotions. Even after that one big meltdown, I have had several other smaller cries. 

What was my breaking point? I think the reality was sinking in after reading several books, listening to tons of podcasts, and many hours spent journaling and researching. 

I learned that I identity emotions as a weapon. Rather than an emotion was a feeling that should be felt. Good, bad, or ugly, that is how I navigated my life. In the refusal of feeling the emotion, I assume I am saving myself from heartache. Kinda like out of sight out of mind. 

The irony, in my studying/self-reflection on emotional health I was isolating myself. If you know anything about isolation, that in itself is a very dangerous place to be. So by trying to keep other people from hurting me, I was the one hurting myself.

I say all of that, to tell you. Crying isn’t just tears falling. It is a healthy way to release stress, anger, and frustration. Not all tears are vulnerable ones. Crying can do wonders for your emotional health. It is ok, to have a good cry. Crying is actually been showed to calm us. So cry often. Heck, have a crying party if you want to. Just make sure you pass the damn Kleenexes. And bring the soft brand of brand name Kleenex's, you are worth it. 

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