self reflection

The emptiness is real. The heartache cuts deep. The loneliness feels like abandonment. The tears flow freely. There is no longer any room for me.  

Do the words relate to you at all? Have you ever felt that way? 

I know I have. But here’s the thing I have learned... all that chatter starts in your head and is plain nonsense. That is the devil playing mind games with you. And if YOU allow him to keep talking to you that way, he has won the battle. You gave him the power to win.

When was the last time you had a really good cry?

I am talking about that ugly cry that you save for when you are by yourself. Ya know the one where you are crying uncontrollably. Crying so hard you can’t catch your breath. The tears are falling so fast they could fill up a swimming pool.

I don't know about you but I love some structure. So when I have my day or more specifically my morning planned out and the shit hits the fan I begin a shutdown process.

I become overwhelmed, my anxiety start to accelerate and I allow my stress to brew to a boiling point. Most of the time, all these emotions are avoidable. I try to do to much to fast and set unrealistic expectations for everyone. If only I could slow down. 

This is how my morning was suppose to go. 

I would wake the kids up and have them to start getting ready for school. While they were getting dressed, I could hop in the shower. We would then have a quick breakfast. I would then pack lunches while they were finishing getting ready. We would walk out the door in record time. (not really but a mom can have dreams.) After dropping everyone off at their said location I was off to a scheduled meeting. 

But here is how it really went:

I woke up the kids and had them start to get dressed. The two older kids can make their own breakfast, so that was taken care of. I in the meantime, would jump in the shower and get ready. Because let’s be real, my kids move slow in the morning. When I was done I went to check on the status of the kids and found one kid pulled the blankets back up over her and went back to sleep. She wasn’t having it. Did I mention she is the slowest of them all. Of Course. 

Now we had less than 20 minutes to get her up, dressed, fed, lunch packed, and hair brushed. Even on a good, that ain’t gonna happen. At this point I had two options. 

I could 

1. Stress us all out. Yell, scream, and follow her around the house putting pressure on her to move faster OR

2. Do the inconvenient thing. Go ahead and take the older kids to school. Come back home and take care of the little one. 

I like the convenience of only going to town one time. My plan was to drop them all off one right after the other and then head straight out of town for my meeting.  

This is the moment I realized I had the power to control my day and set the tone of the day. 

Normally I am the type 1 person. I had a plan and needed to stick to it. All I can think about is being late and the rest of my day being behind. I choose to be a crazy women running around the house. In the process stressing everyone else out. Always thinking if I can just get back on schedule everything will be great.

 I had no regard to how my crazy would affect everyone else’s day. Quite frankly it wasn’t on my radar. If I am being honest. 

But I had recently spent the day with a special lady. Literally, just the day before, and our conversations had prepared me for this very moment. 

I took a deep breath and asked myself in this very moment what was the most important thing. 

My answer was my child who needed a little extra love and attention. And that my two older kids made it to school on time came in at a close second. Not the task of the day. Not my schedule. But her little heart needed her mommy. 

I adjusted my attitude, and calmly told the kids my new plan. This was unlike me, but they rolled with it. 

The two older ones have seen my crazy more than I want to admit. 

But we are all a work in progress. Right?

I am beginning to see how I can set the tone for the day. For all of us. 

When I made the decision to take the older kids and be later than I wanted to be to my meeting the whole mood inside the house shifted. 

My big kids, chilled out. I saw the change in their face and their whole bodies just relaxed. They were no longer on edge. 

We loaded up in the car and I drove the big kids to school. Then came back home and got our little one ready for school.

She was over an hour later than normal, but life happens.

Being a mom consists of more than just making sure they get to school on time. 

Part of our job is to teach our kids that no matter the circumstances they are important, valued, and loved. 

I can not rearrange plans everyday. I can not make every morning smooth. But on the days I can, I will make them the only priority. Late or not.