Shell's Sentiments

I am not positive how many days we have been “safer at home”. Frankly, I have lost count. I would rather focus on the days before us than dwell on the days that are behind us. 

‘Cause honestly some of those days weren’t so good. Other days we had a blast. We are all on an emotional roller coaster compliments of the COVID-19 Amusement Park. 

Imagine being at an amusement park and you are about to get on the biggest scariest roller coaster you have ever been on. Feel those emotions right now, scared, anxious, fearless, brave, chicken and excited. Really, that is just me?  I love roller coasters after the fact. I am not a fan of the anticipation leading up to the ride. Way to may things can go wrong. But I love the freedom and courage I feel afterward.  

This is kinda what we are experiencing right now at our house. One moment we are all good. Hands in the air, having fun and laughing at the top of our lungs. Then the next moment you find yourself inside one of those nasty corkscrews turns. Ya know the turns that feel like the ride will never straighten back up. All the while you are using some colorful language, your heart is racing, barely breathing and praying you can feel your feet touch the ground again, real SOON!

All these crazy emotions in a matter of seconds only to get off that ride so we can run to the next roller coaster. Does anyone else feel this or do this? Or am I alone in this?

Here is the thing I am learning while in quarantine. Our emotions mimic actual roller coasters. If you don’t believe me, please come visit me for a few hours. I promise when you leave you will be tired. 

Maybe not physically tired like we would imagine after walking around a park all day. But emotionally drained. Plum worn out! Not even able to perform the simplest of tasks. For instances answering your 5-year-olds question, what are we doing tomorrow? 

We put a huge focus on how a person is doing physically, but we never check in to see how they are doing emotionally or mentally. I am guilty of this with my own kids. 

I don’t know where I went wrong with my children. But I completely dropped the ball on teaching them how to deal with their emotions. I guess I can claim that we have been blessed in the past and never had to deal with these emotions. But that would be a flat out lie, and I don’t want to be that person. #nofliter

The reality of that situation is I would keep us busy. I need to stay occupied otherwise my mind goes bonkers. However, that is not always a good thing. See, I like many others would prefer to stay busy so we don’t have to understand what we are feeling. Honestly, who wants to lead themself to feel pain?

Hindsight I was just allowing them, and me, to suppress those feelings. Because ignoring the hard stuff is easier than processing the emotion. Here is the catch. 

Emotional stress can be as painful as a broken bone for a person. That pain or emotion can not be compared to another person’s pain either. So when we tell a loved one to suck it up, you now become part of the problem. 

We are in uncharted waters, and quite frankly I hope we never venture into this channel ever again. But during this time, we have to teach the people we love how to deal with and process the emotions they are feeling. We have to talk about it. We have to acknowledge that more people have the same feelings. By us feeling a certain way does not make us weak, bad, guilty, sinful, or selfish.  We can’t act like everything is perfect and expect to come out of this on top. Whatever on top looks like for you.

The longer we are stuck at home, the wiser I am becoming. Human beings were created to be present. Are you being present in your life? Being present will look different for everyone. The way you win is you do you, do not compare! Just make sure you are present and not just dipping your feet in the water. Go all in and be honest. Being honest and removing the “I am fine mask” is the only way we come out of this stronger than we were when this started. 

I don't think I have ever really had quiche before. But during this pandemic time, I need some help with some creative food options. It also helps that there were some prep and baking time involved to help eat away all this time we have now.  

I wasn’t sure if my kids would even eat it, but hey at least we were cooking together and wasting time away. I kept things simple this go-round. 

How many people are feeling a little Guilt right now? 

I will admit I have a little bit of survivors guilt going on. 

Guilt an emotion that many will not acknowledge knowing. Right now I am overwhelmed with Guilt. 

Guilt for being mad or annoyed that my children are getting on my ever-loving nerves. When there are people who are desperately seeking to have children. 

Guilt for wanting some quiet time. Time alone for me to process everything that I am feeling. When there are people who have literally no one else around to help fill the void of these “safer at home” days. 

Guilt for having a child in my face nearly every second of the day. When all I want or need is some downtime. A little time where I can do things that bring me joy. When there are people who would love to have just one more interaction with a lost child. 

Guilt for having to cook yet another meal. Did I not just feed you 30 minutes ago? When there are people who have no clue when and where their next meal is coming from.

Guilt for yelling at my children for not cleaning up after themselves. When there are people who wish they had someone to take care of. Even for just one day. 

Guilt for complaining/whining that I want to leave my house. When hundreds of people just lost their houses. Not to mention everything inside. 

Guilt can be a nasty thing. But just because one feels this emotion doesn’t make us a bad person. 

We all process feelings and emotions in different manners. Harboring emotions and the effect they have on the body and mind fascinates me. The study of emotions is totally cool and frightening at the same time. 

The most important thing I have learned, is we have to deal with our feelings/emotions. We can’t continue to live our life stuffing all our feelings down so deep that we can’t feel. The feelings aren’t going to go away. The feelings may subside for some time, but trust they will come back. Usually stronger than before. 

As a matter of fact, if we ignore an emotion too long our body develops symptoms. The symptoms we endure are meant to help signal us to deal with the emotion.  

In order for us to move forward, we must first acknowledge the emotion and call it what it is. This is not an easy step, but the most freeing. 

To put it simply I am tired. 

We have been home for 28 days. 28 days where we have little to none interaction with the outside world. 

I am emotional and mentally tired. I am not just processing my own stress and anxiety. But helping my three children to work through their own emotions. As well, continue to build my business, homeschool my kids, and still manage this house. All while trying to keep life as normal as possible. The work has taken its toll on me. I am tired. 

I can’t be the only person who is struggling. But maybe I need to be the first to admit it. 

It has been 8 months since I have suffered from an anxiety attack. I really thought I was past them. 

That was until that faint pain was felt in my chest. Next, my heartbeat began speeding up. Followed by not being able to breathe deeply, almost gasping for air. Ending with a huge emotional cry for what felt like no reason. The whole time fighting the attack and not acknowledging what was happening. 

If I admitted I was having another anxiety attack that meant I wasn’t in control. The anxiety attack meant that I wasn’t placing my faith in something bigger than me. Admitting that I had another anxiety attack meant I was weak. It symbolized a failure in my mind. There were moments I was able to reel in my emotions. Only for them to reappear with more vengeance. 

I made plans for the weekend included dying Easter eggs, possibly an egg hunt. I wanted to play outside all day on Saturday. I knew Sunday would be full of rain and storms. We need as much vitamin D as we can get right now. 

Instead, my weekend looked very different. I struggled emotionally and mentally for the whole weekend.

Every time I heard my children or husband call my name, I cringed. Whenever someone looked my way, I cringed more. I knew what was coming, someone wanted something from me. As I mentioned above I am tired. I am drained. I just want to be left alone. But not really. Do you understand what I mean? 

I am not physically tired but rather emotional and mentally tired. I need some time away to recharge. Many people think that sounds horrible. If you are that person I am sorry. But that is the truth and I am not ashamed to admit it. I am at my breaking point. 

Please, do not get me wrong. I love my people dearly. They are a huge part of my world. But loving other people takes its toll on me. 

I keep my emotions intact. I do not trust easily. I question everything. I take nothing at face value. I keep everyone at a safe distance. I do not show my emotions for fear that you will use them against me. I do not feel many emotions because that would mean I need to connect. And sometimes life is too much and/or too hard. I totally need my own time to process and deal with emotions. 

Back to Easter weekend…

So this Easter looked very different for us. There was no Easter egg hunt. No dying Easter eggs. No dressing up and going to church. 

Instead, we spent Saturday sitting out in the sun, soaking up some Vitamin D. Allowing our bare feet to touch the ground. Reading yet again another book. Playing yet another game of UNO. All while trying to keep everyone in their own corner of the yard. 

I am tired. I need a break. I need someone else to take the reins for a while. But since there is no one else. Let me buckle up my boots, put a smile on my face and get back at it.